May 15th

I am sharing something today that I didn't think I would. But over the last couple of days prior to today I felt lead to do so in greater strength each day.

This photo to the left is a photo of my little angel baby that would have been two years old today (granted if he had come on his anticipated due date).  I have shared these photos with a relatively few number of people and will share no more than this photo of his perfect little hand.

I hope that this post will be of comfort to others who have experienced a loss, those who are still grieving while the world goes on.

Before we were blessed with Blake, I lost this little one. We went for a routine ultrasound at 11 weeks and received the horrible news that our baby's heart was no longer beating. This was my third m/c, but the first this far along.  We were crushed and they immediately wanted to schedule me for a d & c to remove my child.  Instead I needed some time to adjust to this news and chose to go natural at home.  Two weeks after that apt. my body finally let go. I'll save the details (it was not pretty), but it was so worth it. After the worst was over, I was overcome by such an overwhelming peace. 

In quiet, I sat with my precious child. He (or she) was perfect in every sense. At no more than 10 weeks old, he was beautifully formed with slender legs and arms and all 10 toes/fingers.  I feel blessed that I had these moments with him to love and wonder over him as I would if he had joined our lives on his due date.

Today I will lay his stone in a safe spot, now that the construction is over and I need not fear that it will be harmed.  I will celebrate today that he spent those 13 weeks with us and that I was given a gift beyond all others: the ability to marvel at God's work of my child in the very beginning moments of his life.

I hope by sharing this story that if you have experienced a loss that you grant yourself to be in the moment feeling what feelings may come. And if you personally have not lost a child, I hope that you will be able to better love someone else who has lost a child - I believe that my deepest desire was to know that my baby mattered to more than just me.